Topsy-Turvy World

The world seems to be going a little crazy these days, and my mood is following the economic downturn as I search for a job, or some kind of income, have given up on having health insurance (no matter how important that might be to someone with a history of GI problems), and am a little freaked out by the fact that my truck wants another $1000 spent on it. It seems to want that much about every three months, and I can't afford either it or a new car. What's a girl to do?

Well, I certainly know that when my stress levels get high, I often turn to food as a source of comfort and a sense of control. And I've been doing just that for the past few days. It's a bad habit and is completely linked to my dis-ordered relationship to food. Rather than see it as something merely nourishing or a thing to enjoy, I off load a lot of my stress and lack of a sense of control onto eating and food. In the past few days, I've polished off a couple packs of KinniToo's vanilla creme sandwich cookies, a pint of pralines and cream BlueBell ice cream, and a few other items. Binge eating like that is not particularly rewarding except in the moment, and definitely makes for a poor body image and feelings of guilt.

But it's not just the binge eating that I am worried about right now, it's the emergence of an old pattern of hoarding and eating that gets triggered by a lack of control in the present and some kind of emotional trigger. I will seek to control my food intake, and thereby control my life, by not eating much most of the day. I subsist on coffee, a piece of fruit, and a handful of nuts. Then, by dinner time, I'm starving. So I eat a good dinner since there are other people involved. But sometime thereafter, I get hungry (and no wonder since I've not eaten most of the day), and I binge on sweets or salty depending on my preference that night. Sweet usually wins the taste competition.

So now I get to face this demon again. Like any recovering addict, I will fight this dis-ordered relationship to food my whole life. But for now, it's good that I recognize it and can begin implementing the strategies I have used to come out of this tailspin in the past.

1. Food diary including how I feel when eating, one hour later, and the next day.
2. Don't let it undermine weight goals - increase exercise while winning this battle.
3. Chew gum. Chew lots of gum.

I'll keep an update on how this goes as I continue to search for answers, a job, and oh-so-much more.