Topsy-Turvy World

The world seems to be going a little crazy these days, and my mood is following the economic downturn as I search for a job, or some kind of income, have given up on having health insurance (no matter how important that might be to someone with a history of GI problems), and am a little freaked out by the fact that my truck wants another $1000 spent on it. It seems to want that much about every three months, and I can't afford either it or a new car. What's a girl to do?

Well, I certainly know that when my stress levels get high, I often turn to food as a source of comfort and a sense of control. And I've been doing just that for the past few days. It's a bad habit and is completely linked to my dis-ordered relationship to food. Rather than see it as something merely nourishing or a thing to enjoy, I off load a lot of my stress and lack of a sense of control onto eating and food. In the past few days, I've polished off a couple packs of KinniToo's vanilla creme sandwich cookies, a pint of pralines and cream BlueBell ice cream, and a few other items. Binge eating like that is not particularly rewarding except in the moment, and definitely makes for a poor body image and feelings of guilt.

But it's not just the binge eating that I am worried about right now, it's the emergence of an old pattern of hoarding and eating that gets triggered by a lack of control in the present and some kind of emotional trigger. I will seek to control my food intake, and thereby control my life, by not eating much most of the day. I subsist on coffee, a piece of fruit, and a handful of nuts. Then, by dinner time, I'm starving. So I eat a good dinner since there are other people involved. But sometime thereafter, I get hungry (and no wonder since I've not eaten most of the day), and I binge on sweets or salty depending on my preference that night. Sweet usually wins the taste competition.

So now I get to face this demon again. Like any recovering addict, I will fight this dis-ordered relationship to food my whole life. But for now, it's good that I recognize it and can begin implementing the strategies I have used to come out of this tailspin in the past.

1. Food diary including how I feel when eating, one hour later, and the next day.
2. Don't let it undermine weight goals - increase exercise while winning this battle.
3. Chew gum. Chew lots of gum.

I'll keep an update on how this goes as I continue to search for answers, a job, and oh-so-much more.

I sure love cookies

I was thinking yesterday about binge eating - not a huge surprise since that's the topic of the first part of my book project - and the fact that binge eating is more difficult now that I have multiple food allergies. Perhaps for that I should be thankful....yeah, right.

Yesterday I was pretty good - I only ate six cookies. (Of the KinniToo Vanilla Sandwich, gluten-free, wheat-free, egg-free, dairy-free variety.) They're rather addictive and good. (Don't go with the chocolate ones - they try to be Oreos and FAIL. I was having a day of cleaning and organizing. That part wasn't so bad, but the moment I turned my attention to getting copies of my book query letter and book proposal printed out and ready to mail, I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to eat cookies. So I did, and promptly felt kind of bad about it. How is one supposed to lose the weight that stupid medication put on me if one can't stop eating cookies? Ah, what a conundrum!

Well, as usual, I chose to focus on one part of the equation "calories in vs. calories out" and went running at 11 pm. Even at 11 pm, it's muggy and hot in central Texas, but at least I burned off some of those extra calories I munched during the day. And running does make one feel good - well, except for that whole sweating thing, which is really no fun. Come to think of it, I don't really like the whole "I can't breath" thing either. But the adrenaline rush is worth it all.

Now, I only had the energy to go running that late because I actually ate a very healthful dinner. Stirfry - many veggies and chicken - is yummy and so good for the body. Now I ask, why can't I remember that eating well gives energy and makes me feel good later, not just now? Unlike eating the cookies, which tasted delightful and fixed my urge to binge, eating a healthy meal that took almost no time to prepare left me with energy to spare and made me want to do more to help myself. What a concept!

A concept I struggle to remember. A concept that is so important for us all to hold on to. A concept contradicted by all the food industries commercials and PR. But a concept that is true and worth thinking about. In my book, I plan on having a worksheet to help those with binge eating tendencies or obesity problems to note how a food feels now AND then.